Thursday, July 19, 2012


I thought I’d write a post on things you may or may not know about me. We can always call it confessions of a LVADERS fiancé if you will, so here goes:
·         Sometimes I have mad days when I feel like life isn’t fair to me or Jason
·         Sometimes I really hate the 20 foot cord! It couldn’t have been a LITTLE longer?
·         I have days that I am full of faith that Jason will be here with me forever and days that  I’m really scared about it. Now I do believe no matter if you have health problems or not, when its your time to go, you will.
·         If Jason ever left this world before me, my children would be my will to keep going . If they were gone and moved out with families of their own, then that would be really hard. I have cried to Jason before saying I don’t want to live this life without him, but I know deep down that’s wrong.
·         I feel guilty when I do things just for me
·         I often feel overwhelmed
        Sometimes get tired of fighting for what’s right for Jason
·         If I am talking about Jason and what I feel for him, I can cry on a drop of a dime no matter where we are. It is very embarrassing for me, but I can’t help it.
·         I am over the top passionate about Jason in every aspect.
·         I thank God every day that he sent the perfect man to me, so I would know what unconditional love felt like.
·         Sometimes I look at him while he’s sleeping, and he just looks like an angel. But sometimes I look at him and I feel so sad for him, but I know I should just be happy that he is still here beside me.
·         I think God often for bring angels into our lives, and I love that I always know who they are.
·          Sometimes I wish that I had a normal life, but then again who really does?
·         I feel like My friends and family can’t even begin to understand my life emotionally. I often feel like I can’t relate to their “normal” life.
·         I am so proud of Jason for getting an LVAD.
·         I thank God for giving me strength to fight for Jason. He also always give me the knowledge to ask the right questions.
·         I know that God is always with me…ALWAYS.
·         I have complete faith in God that he will send Jason a perfect heart in his time
·         I am so happy when I hear of our LVAD friends getting a heart, but its hard not to feel sad that
·          it‘s not Jason’s time yet. I can’t wait for that day. I will be scared of the unknown, but I’ll also be so happy I can’t even begin to express it with words.
·         I know the God has a plan laid out for Jason and I and because of that we will always trust him.
·         I know that there is always a reason of everything you do and every person you meet.

I talk to a few LVADers though email, but one has always given me tremendous strength and for that I am thankful. In an email not that long ago, I guess you could say I was feeling defeated and down and this is what he wrote back:
          …….There is a slight defeatism in your words…excuse me while I slap you…sorry about that but defeat is not an option. There will be no surrender . There is only better days ahead, try to maintain a warrior approach for you both and all the gang…Also a good mind set helps, even in the darkest hours for you both, just hold on embrace each other and stay strong for each other
I almost cried when I read those words, they were so powerful. …he is definitely one of the angels I was talking about… and its times like this that I know God is with me…

1 comment:

  1. I used to have an LVAD, for 15 months. It was easy to feel bitter and feel sorry for myself, yet all I had to do was look at others with more serious problems and realize how much my life was actually normal. Through diet, nutrients and hormone therapy, I was able to heal my heart and return to fully "normal" life. I have written about my success in my book, "One Percent: My Journey Overcoming Heart Disease" to try to inspire and help others. There are ALWAYS options and ALWAYS something that we can do. I was told at the beginning that the odds were 99 to 1 against me getting well, yet I still got well.