Confessions

I thought I’d write a post on things you may or may not know about me. We can always call it confessions of a LVADERS fiancé if you will, so here goes:

·         Sometimes I have mad days when I feel like life isn’t fair to me or Jason

·         Sometimes I really hate the 20 foot cord! It couldn’t have been a LITTLE longer?

·         I have days that I am full of faith that Jason will be here with me forever and days that  I’m really scared about it. Now I do believe no matter if you have health problems or not, when its your time to go, you will.

·         If Jason ever left this world before me, my children would be my will to keep going . If they were gone and moved out with families of their own, then that would be really hard. I have cried to Jason before saying I don’t want to live this life without him, but I know deep down that’s wrong.

·         I feel guilty when I do things just for me

·         I often feel overwhelmed
        Sometimes get tired of fighting for what’s right for Jason

·         If I am talking about Jason and what I feel for him, I can cry on a drop of a dime no matter where we are. It is very embarrassing for me, but I can’t help it.

·         I am over the top passionate about Jason in every aspect.

·         I thank God every day that he sent the perfect man to me, so I would know what unconditional love felt like.

·         Sometimes I look at him while he’s sleeping, and he just looks like an angel. But sometimes I look at him and I feel so sad for him, but I know I should just be happy that he is still here beside me.

·         I think God often for bring angels into our lives, and I love that I always know who they are.

·          Sometimes I wish that I had a normal life, but then again who really does?

·         I feel like My friends and family can’t even begin to understand my life emotionally. I often feel like I can’t relate to their “normal” life.

·         I am so proud of Jason for getting an LVAD.

·         I thank God for giving me strength to fight for Jason. He also always give me the knowledge to ask the right questions.

·         I know that God is always with me…ALWAYS.

·         I have complete faith in God that he will send Jason a perfect heart in his time

·         I am so happy when I hear of our LVAD friends getting a heart, but its hard not to feel sad that

·          it‘s not Jason’s time yet. I can’t wait for that day. I will be scared of the unknown, but I’ll also be so happy I can’t even begin to express it with words.

·         I know the God has a plan laid out for Jason and I and because of that we will always trust him.

·         I know that there is always a reason of everything you do and every person you meet.

I talk to a few LVADers though email, but one has always given me tremendous strength and for that I am thankful. In an email not that long ago, I guess you could say I was feeling defeated and down and this is what he wrote back:

          …….There is a slight defeatism in your words…excuse me while I slap you…sorry about that but defeat is not an option. There will be no surrender . There is only better days ahead, try to maintain a warrior approach for you both and all the gang…Also a good mind set helps, even in the darkest hours for you both, just hold on embrace each other and stay strong for each other

I almost cried when I read those words, they were so powerful. …he is definitely one of the angels I was talking about… and its times like this that I know God is with me…