Well the good news is, We didn’t fall of the face of the earth. We have had many trial and tribulations the last few months. I started this blog for many reason, but to be a “Debbie Downer” to everyone that read was never my intention. So, I just stayed low for a few months. So, within the next few weeks I will be playing catch up.
I will first address the issue that now I know too well is a “caregiver burnout”. You hear of it a lot, and while I understood it, I never thought It would happen to me. Caregiver burnout is what I say, but for me it was more like just being in love with someone that had an LVAD.
It kind of just hit me in the face one day. Almost all my energy was focused around Jason and his LVAD. Along with that I have a full time job and children of my own. Every day I would be emailing about Jason, calling about Jason Facebooking about Jason, Tweeting about Jason and while I love Jason with all my heart, in the process I was losing myself.
So, I slowed down the emails and calls, stopped tweeting. One night Jason even told me I could stop the blog. I don’t think I even replied, It broke my heart. It would be like erasing our life, I didn’t want to do that, I just wanted to slow down and breathe a little bit.
Now, months Later the air is lighter. Jason can tell a difference in me, I’m not as stressed all the time like I was before. It became hard to feel like I was fighting for him EVERYDAY and fighting for what he deserves. I started feeling like I had no fight within me anymore, and I didn’t’ like that. On top of that I had my own personal trials that I was going through with made it ten times worse. Now, I had to fight for Jason and myself..It was just too much. I know that God always looks over me, but I swear at times I thought he had too much trust in me.
Jason and I are now in the process of getting our first actual home together. It is such an exciting time. While buying and selling hasn’t exactly been a smooth road, we are getting through it together. My house was sold, but Jason and I could not find the house we wanted. It was hard not to get discouraged, but I kept saying God will lead us to the perfect place, and when he does we’ll know it. And that he did. When we parked the car I knew this was our home. It had everything we wanted, and it is in a great neighborhood and great school district for the children. We are set to close on May 4th so we will keep our fingers crossed on the closing date.
Note to self: The overall lesson to be learned is even though there will be times that you don’t think God is listening you need to still have faith, but believe me I know how hard it is. But if you can push through that rain, you’ll always find a rainbow…